Summer Camp

It's official: I'm going to summer camp.

I'm looking forward to it, but I still have this anxious feeling every time I think about it. I'm not quite sure what's bothering me. Really, nothing should be. Everyone I talk to assures me that it's a safe, accepting, open environment. It's a great place to build and deepen relationships with people.

But, have I just stumbled on my problem? Let's explore.

It's ten days camping with a group of about 80 people.
Each day there are workshops/gatherings/discussions/exercises/whatever with the goal of building deeper and stronger relationships with the people around us.

I suppose I'm feeling pressure to make this happen, like I'm supposed to bond with someone.
I know this will happen on it's own. I spent many a week at summer camps as a kid, so I know what camp friends are. These were relationships which developed naturally, slowly, and on their own.

But at this summer camp, I get the feeling that some relationships will be forced upon me.

I also know that's not going to happen. I am constantly at choice while at camp.

Hell, I'm at choice now.

Living outside Philly has been somewhat isolating.

My girlfriend and I talked about this last night.
I don't feel isolated when we're together.
Far from it.
We connect every second we're together.

It's those times we're apart that there's a void desiring to be filled.
More than one local friend is what I need.

Problem identified.
Now action can be taken.

I sent out a few emails on OKCupid to people who live nearby and sound like fun to hang out with.
Women only.
I have a hang up with sending a message to a dude through a service with 'cupid' in the name.
This might disintegrate in the future.

I looked back at my MeetUp page.
There's pick up frisbee in Malvern tomorrow night.
I'll be there.

I'll call a coworker later today to try and solidify some dinner plans with him, his husband, my girlfriend and me.

I've been living here for more than two semesters.
It's past time I had a community to call my own.

A Cycle

I wonder about having another lover.
I feel this pressure that being present in a poly community means that I too must be poly.
And of course, this means having multiple lovers.
So I feel the need to search for someone else.
The searching gives me the feeling of being incomplete.
I feel somehow less than I should be.

Then I remember the most important thing I've learned this year:
I am responsible for my emotions.
How empowering!
The pressure to be a certain way comes from within me.

I feel complete again.
Changing. Evolving. Living.

But, how many times must I remind myself?
Why haven't I learned yet?
Or have I?

I wonder about having another lover.

Confirmation

I was never confirmed.
Or rather, I was, but not the way I was supposed to be.
I confirmed myself as a "no" while UCC counted me as "not yet."
This created some friction for me with my family, but ultimately acceptance.

Further friction came when I enrolled in grad school.
3000 miles from my friends and family.
They questioned my choice, not wanting to lose me to the void called the mid-western US
that would separated us.
Again, ultimately they accepted my choice.

Now, I'm back east, reuniting with friends and family, but again with some friction.
This time, the problem is with me.
Or rather, my girlfriend.
But really, it's with my girlfriend's boyfriend.
And mainly the fact that he isn't me.
Well, one of them is me. One of them isn't.
Maybe the problem is with the number two and that it's more than the number one.
My sister supports me and my life.
So does her husband.
One friend does not.
Zero seems to be more than two to him.

My path to acceptance from my friends and family will likely be similar to the ones before.
Time. Patience. Confidence.

This blog will tell of my journey along this path.